hobokenchicken
feaf614dd5
- Transform into hilariously offensive Docker-hosted blame portal - Add Apache container with custom 404 blaming Dustin - Implement MySQL database tracking all of Dustin's eternal sins - Create interactive features: live incident feed, apology generator, nuclear option - Add ridiculous animations, sound effects, and CRT-style UI - Include CGI script for extra blame generation - Set up docker-compose with phpMyAdmin for database admin - Maximum crassness with zero restraint - everything is Dustin's fault
104 lines
4.1 KiB
SQL
104 lines
4.1 KiB
SQL
-- Database of Dustin's Faults
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-- Because we need to track this shit properly
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CREATE DATABASE IF NOT EXISTS dustins_faults;
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USE dustins_faults;
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-- Table for tracking individual fuckups
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CREATE TABLE IF NOT EXISTS fuckups (
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id INT AUTO_INCREMENT PRIMARY KEY,
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timestamp DATETIME DEFAULT CURRENT_TIMESTAMP,
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description TEXT NOT NULL,
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severity ENUM('minor', 'major', 'catastrophic', 'apocalyptic') DEFAULT 'major',
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blame_percentage INT DEFAULT 100 CHECK (blame_percentage BETWEEN 0 AND 100),
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dustin_excuse TEXT,
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created_by VARCHAR(255) DEFAULT 'Anonymous Blamer'
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);
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-- Table for Dustin's apologies (mostly empty)
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CREATE TABLE IF NOT EXISTS apologies (
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id INT AUTO_INCREMENT PRIMARY KEY,
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fuckup_id INT,
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apology_text TEXT,
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sincerity_level ENUM('none', 'low', 'medium', 'high', 'bullshit') DEFAULT 'bullshit',
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apology_date DATETIME DEFAULT CURRENT_TIMESTAMP,
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FOREIGN KEY (fuckup_id) REFERENCES fuckups(id) ON DELETE CASCADE
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);
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-- Table for blame statistics
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CREATE TABLE IF NOT EXISTS blame_stats (
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id INT AUTO_INCREMENT PRIMARY KEY,
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date DATE UNIQUE,
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total_fuckups INT DEFAULT 0,
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avg_blame_percentage DECIMAL(5,2) DEFAULT 100.00,
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dustin_mood ENUM('defensive', 'apologetic', 'denial', 'blames_others') DEFAULT 'defensive'
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);
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-- Insert some initial data because Dustin has been busy
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INSERT INTO fuckups (description, severity, dustin_excuse) VALUES
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('Forgot to commit code before leaving for the day', 'catastrophic', 'My cat stepped on the keyboard'),
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('Pushed to production on Friday at 4:55 PM', 'apocalyptic', 'I wanted to get a head start on Monday'),
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('Deleted the production database instead of staging', 'apocalyptic', 'The buttons looked the same'),
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('Spilled coffee on the server rack', 'major', 'The cup was slippery'),
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('Set password to "password123" for "security"', 'major', 'I wanted to make it easy for everyone'),
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('Scheduled maintenance during peak hours', 'catastrophic', 'I thought nobody would notice'),
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('Used Comic Sans in the company presentation', 'minor', 'It looked friendly'),
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('Accidentally replied all to company-wide email with "this meeting could have been an email"', 'major', 'My finger slipped');
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-- Insert corresponding apologies (all bullshit, obviously)
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INSERT INTO apologies (fuckup_id, apology_text, sincerity_level) VALUES
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(1, 'Sorry not sorry, the cat made me do it', 'bullshit'),
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(2, 'My bad, but have you tried working on weekends?', 'none'),
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(3, 'Oopsie daisy! At least we have backups... right?', 'low'),
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(4, 'The coffee was really good though, worth it', 'none'),
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(5, 'Security through obscurity is overrated', 'bullshit'),
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(6, 'I was optimizing for my own schedule', 'none'),
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(7, 'Comic Sans is underappreciated', 'medium'),
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(8, 'We all were thinking it, I just said it', 'high');
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-- Create a view for the worst offenses
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CREATE VIEW worst_fuckups AS
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SELECT
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f.*,
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a.apology_text,
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a.sincerity_level
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FROM fuckups f
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LEFT JOIN apologies a ON f.id = a.fuckup_id
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WHERE f.severity IN ('catastrophic', 'apocalyptic')
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ORDER BY f.timestamp DESC;
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-- Create a stored procedure to add new fuckups
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DELIMITER //
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CREATE PROCEDURE add_fuckup(
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IN p_description TEXT,
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IN p_severity VARCHAR(20),
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IN p_excuse TEXT,
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IN p_blamer VARCHAR(255)
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)
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BEGIN
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INSERT INTO fuckups (description, severity, dustin_excuse, created_by)
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VALUES (p_description, p_severity, p_excuse, p_blamer);
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-- Auto-add a bullshit apology
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INSERT INTO apologies (fuckup_id, apology_text, sincerity_level)
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VALUES (LAST_INSERT_ID(),
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CONCAT('I''m sorry you feel that way about ', p_description),
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'bullshit');
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END //
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DELIMITER ;
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-- Create an event to auto-add daily fuckups (because Dustin is consistent)
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DELIMITER //
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CREATE EVENT daily_dustin_fuckup
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ON SCHEDULE EVERY 1 DAY
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STARTS CURRENT_TIMESTAMP
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DO
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BEGIN
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CALL add_fuckup(
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CONCAT('Daily fuckup #', FLOOR(RAND() * 1000)),
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ELT(FLOOR(RAND() * 4) + 1, 'minor', 'major', 'catastrophic', 'apocalyptic'),
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ELT(FLOOR(RAND() * 5) + 1, 'It was Tuesday', 'The stars were misaligned', 'I was hungry', 'My horoscope said so', 'Aliens'),
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'Auto-Blame-Bot 3000'
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);
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END //
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DELIMITER ; |