hobokenchicken
0d0963198e
- Move web files to www/ directory for easy copying to data folder - Remove Docker setup since user has existing Apache container - Add custom 404.html page - Update README with simple deployment instructions - Keep CGI script as optional bonus feature
990 lines
30 KiB
HTML
990 lines
30 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html>
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<html lang="en">
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<head>
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<meta charset="UTF-8">
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<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0">
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<title>IT'S FUCKING DUSTIN'S FAULT — Official Blame Portal</title>
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<link rel="preconnect" href="https://fonts.googleapis.com">
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<link rel="preconnect" href="https://fonts.gstatic.com" crossorigin>
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<link href="https://fonts.googleapis.com/css2?family=IBM+Plex+Mono:wght@400;600;700&family=Share+Tech+Mono&display=swap" rel="stylesheet">
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<style>
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:root {
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--terminal-bg: #000;
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--terminal-text: #0f0;
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--terminal-red: #f00;
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--terminal-yellow: #ff0;
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--terminal-cyan: #0ff;
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--terminal-magenta: #f0f;
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--terminal-amber: #ff9900;
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--terminal-green: #00ff00;
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}
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* {
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margin: 0;
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padding: 0;
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box-sizing: border-box;
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}
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body {
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font-family: 'IBM Plex Mono', monospace;
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background: var(--terminal-bg);
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color: var(--terminal-text);
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min-height: 100vh;
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padding: 20px;
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overflow-x: hidden;
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position: relative;
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}
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body::before {
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content: '';
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position: fixed;
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top: 0;
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left: 0;
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right: 0;
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bottom: 0;
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background: repeating-linear-gradient(
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0deg,
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rgba(0, 255, 0, 0.03) 0px,
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rgba(0, 255, 0, 0.03) 1px,
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transparent 1px,
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transparent 2px
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);
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pointer-events: none;
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z-index: 9999;
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}
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.scanline {
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position: fixed;
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top: 0;
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left: 0;
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right: 0;
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height: 4px;
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background: linear-gradient(to bottom, transparent, rgba(0, 255, 0, 0.3), transparent);
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animation: scan 3s linear infinite;
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pointer-events: none;
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z-index: 10000;
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}
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@keyframes scan {
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0% { top: 0; }
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100% { top: 100%; }
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}
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.header {
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text-align: center;
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margin-bottom: 30px;
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padding: 20px;
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border: 3px solid var(--terminal-red);
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background: rgba(255, 0, 0, 0.1);
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position: relative;
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overflow: hidden;
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}
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.header::before {
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content: '⚠ WARNING: DUSTIN DETECTED ⚠';
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position: absolute;
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top: 0;
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left: 0;
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right: 0;
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background: var(--terminal-red);
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color: black;
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font-weight: bold;
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padding: 5px;
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animation: warning-blink 1s infinite;
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}
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@keyframes warning-blink {
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0%, 100% { opacity: 1; }
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50% { opacity: 0.5; }
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}
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.title {
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font-family: 'Share Tech Mono', monospace;
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font-size: 3.5em;
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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text-shadow: 0 0 10px var(--terminal-red);
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margin: 20px 0;
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letter-spacing: 2px;
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}
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.subtitle {
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color: var(--terminal-yellow);
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font-size: 1.2em;
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margin-bottom: 10px;
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}
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.tagline {
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color: var(--terminal-cyan);
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font-style: italic;
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margin-bottom: 20px;
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}
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.stats-grid {
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display: grid;
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grid-template-columns: repeat(auto-fit, minmax(250px, 1fr));
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gap: 20px;
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margin-bottom: 30px;
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}
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.stat-card {
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background: rgba(0, 255, 0, 0.05);
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border: 1px solid var(--terminal-green);
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padding: 20px;
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border-radius: 5px;
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position: relative;
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overflow: hidden;
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}
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.stat-card.critical {
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border-color: var(--terminal-red);
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background: rgba(255, 0, 0, 0.1);
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animation: pulse 2s infinite;
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}
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@keyframes pulse {
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0%, 100% { box-shadow: 0 0 5px var(--terminal-red); }
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50% { box-shadow: 0 0 20px var(--terminal-red); }
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}
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.stat-label {
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color: var(--terminal-cyan);
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font-size: 0.9em;
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text-transform: uppercase;
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letter-spacing: 1px;
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margin-bottom: 10px;
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}
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.stat-value {
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font-size: 2.5em;
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font-weight: bold;
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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}
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.stat-value.green {
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color: var(--terminal-green);
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}
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.stat-value.yellow {
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color: var(--terminal-yellow);
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}
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.main-content {
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display: grid;
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grid-template-columns: 2fr 1fr;
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gap: 30px;
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margin-bottom: 30px;
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}
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@media (max-width: 768px) {
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.main-content {
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grid-template-columns: 1fr;
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}
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}
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.incident-log {
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background: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.8);
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border: 2px solid var(--terminal-green);
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padding: 20px;
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border-radius: 5px;
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max-height: 600px;
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overflow-y: auto;
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}
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.log-header {
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display: flex;
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justify-content: space-between;
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align-items: center;
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margin-bottom: 20px;
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padding-bottom: 10px;
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border-bottom: 1px solid var(--terminal-green);
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}
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.log-title {
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font-size: 1.5em;
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color: var(--terminal-yellow);
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}
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.controls {
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display: flex;
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gap: 10px;
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}
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.control-btn {
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background: var(--terminal-bg);
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border: 1px solid var(--terminal-cyan);
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color: var(--terminal-cyan);
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padding: 8px 15px;
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cursor: pointer;
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font-family: 'IBM Plex Mono', monospace;
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border-radius: 3px;
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transition: all 0.3s;
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}
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.control-btn:hover {
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background: var(--terminal-cyan);
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color: var(--terminal-bg);
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}
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.control-btn.danger {
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border-color: var(--terminal-red);
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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}
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.control-btn.danger:hover {
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background: var(--terminal-red);
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color: var(--terminal-bg);
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}
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.incident {
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margin-bottom: 15px;
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padding: 15px;
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border-left: 4px solid var(--terminal-green);
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background: rgba(0, 255, 0, 0.05);
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animation: fadeIn 0.5s;
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}
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.incident.critical {
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border-left-color: var(--terminal-red);
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background: rgba(255, 0, 0, 0.1);
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}
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.incident.warning {
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border-left-color: var(--terminal-yellow);
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background: rgba(255, 255, 0, 0.1);
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}
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@keyframes fadeIn {
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from { opacity: 0; transform: translateY(-10px); }
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to { opacity: 1; transform: translateY(0); }
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}
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.incident-header {
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display: flex;
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justify-content: space-between;
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margin-bottom: 10px;
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font-size: 0.9em;
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}
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.incident-id {
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color: var(--terminal-cyan);
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}
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.incident-time {
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color: var(--terminal-magenta);
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}
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.incident-severity {
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font-weight: bold;
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}
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.incident-severity.critical {
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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}
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.incident-severity.warning {
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color: var(--terminal-yellow);
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}
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.incident-desc {
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margin-bottom: 10px;
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line-height: 1.5;
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}
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.incident-root-cause {
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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font-weight: bold;
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font-style: italic;
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}
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.sidebar {
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display: flex;
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flex-direction: column;
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gap: 20px;
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}
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.blame-generator {
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background: rgba(255, 0, 0, 0.1);
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border: 2px solid var(--terminal-red);
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padding: 20px;
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border-radius: 5px;
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}
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.blame-title {
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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font-size: 1.3em;
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margin-bottom: 15px;
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text-align: center;
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}
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.blame-form {
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display: flex;
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flex-direction: column;
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gap: 15px;
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}
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.form-group {
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display: flex;
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flex-direction: column;
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gap: 5px;
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}
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label {
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color: var(--terminal-cyan);
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font-size: 0.9em;
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}
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select, textarea {
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background: var(--terminal-bg);
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border: 1px solid var(--terminal-green);
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color: var(--terminal-text);
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padding: 10px;
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font-family: 'IBM Plex Mono', monospace;
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border-radius: 3px;
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resize: vertical;
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}
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textarea {
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min-height: 100px;
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}
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.submit-btn {
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background: var(--terminal-red);
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color: var(--terminal-bg);
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border: none;
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padding: 12px;
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font-family: 'IBM Plex Mono', monospace;
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font-weight: bold;
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cursor: pointer;
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border-radius: 3px;
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transition: all 0.3s;
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text-transform: uppercase;
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letter-spacing: 1px;
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}
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.submit-btn:hover {
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background: var(--terminal-yellow);
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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}
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.apology-generator {
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background: rgba(0, 255, 255, 0.1);
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border: 2px solid var(--terminal-cyan);
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padding: 20px;
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border-radius: 5px;
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}
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.apology-title {
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color: var(--terminal-cyan);
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font-size: 1.3em;
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margin-bottom: 15px;
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text-align: center;
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}
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.apology-display {
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background: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.5);
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border: 1px solid var(--terminal-magenta);
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padding: 15px;
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min-height: 100px;
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margin-bottom: 15px;
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border-radius: 3px;
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font-style: italic;
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color: var(--terminal-magenta);
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}
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.generate-btn {
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background: var(--terminal-cyan);
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color: var(--terminal-bg);
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border: none;
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padding: 12px;
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font-family: 'IBM Plex Mono', monospace;
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font-weight: bold;
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cursor: pointer;
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border-radius: 3px;
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transition: all 0.3s;
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width: 100%;
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}
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.generate-btn:hover {
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background: var(--terminal-magenta);
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}
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.footer {
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text-align: center;
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margin-top: 40px;
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padding-top: 20px;
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border-top: 1px solid var(--terminal-green);
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color: var(--terminal-cyan);
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font-size: 0.9em;
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}
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.easter-egg {
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cursor: pointer;
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color: var(--terminal-magenta);
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text-decoration: underline;
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}
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.easter-egg:hover {
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color: var(--terminal-yellow);
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}
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.sound-toggle {
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cursor: pointer;
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color: var(--terminal-amber);
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text-decoration: underline;
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}
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.sound-toggle:hover {
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color: var(--terminal-green);
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}
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.type-cursor {
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animation: blink 0.7s step-end infinite;
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}
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@keyframes blink {
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0%, 100% { opacity: 1; }
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50% { opacity: 0; }
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}
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.glitch {
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animation: glitch 0.2s;
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}
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@keyframes glitch {
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0% { transform: translate(0); }
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20% { transform: translate(-2px, 2px); }
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40% { transform: translate(-2px, -2px); }
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60% { transform: translate(2px, 2px); }
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80% { transform: translate(2px, -2px); }
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100% { transform: translate(0); }
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}
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.fault-graph {
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font-size: 10px;
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line-height: 1.2;
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white-space: pre;
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text-align: left;
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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}
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.rage-meter {
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width: 100%;
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height: 20px;
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background: rgba(255, 0, 0, 0.2);
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border: 1px solid var(--terminal-red);
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border-radius: 10px;
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overflow: hidden;
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margin-top: 10px;
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}
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.rage-fill {
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height: 100%;
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background: linear-gradient(90deg, var(--terminal-red), var(--terminal-yellow));
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width: 100%;
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transition: width 0.5s;
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}
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.shit-list {
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background: rgba(255, 0, 0, 0.1);
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border: 1px solid var(--terminal-red);
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padding: 15px;
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margin-top: 20px;
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border-radius: 5px;
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}
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.shit-list-title {
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color: var(--terminal-red);
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font-size: 1.1em;
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margin-bottom: 10px;
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}
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.shit-item {
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color: var(--terminal-yellow);
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margin-bottom: 5px;
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padding-left: 15px;
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position: relative;
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}
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.shit-item::before {
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content: '💩';
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position: absolute;
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left: 0;
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}
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.nuclear-option {
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background: linear-gradient(45deg, #ff0000, #ff9900, #ffff00);
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color: black;
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border: none;
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padding: 15px 30px;
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font-family: 'IBM Plex Mono', monospace;
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font-weight: bold;
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cursor: pointer;
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border-radius: 5px;
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margin-top: 20px;
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text-transform: uppercase;
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letter-spacing: 2px;
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animation: nuclear-pulse 2s infinite;
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}
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@keyframes nuclear-pulse {
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0%, 100% { box-shadow: 0 0 10px #ff0000; }
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50% { box-shadow: 0 0 30px #ffff00; }
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}
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.nuclear-option:hover {
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background: linear-gradient(45deg, #ffff00, #ff9900, #ff0000);
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animation: none;
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box-shadow: 0 0 50px #ff0000;
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}
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.dustin-face {
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text-align: center;
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margin: 20px 0;
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font-size: 3em;
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animation: face-shake 5s infinite;
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}
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@keyframes face-shake {
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0%, 100% { transform: rotate(0deg); }
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25% { transform: rotate(5deg); }
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75% { transform: rotate(-5deg); }
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}
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</style>
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</head>
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<body>
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<div class=\"scanline\"></div>
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<div class=\"header\">
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<div class=\"dustin-face\">🤦♂️</div>
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<h1 class=\"title\">IT'S FUCKING DUSTIN'S FAULT</h1>
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<div class=\"subtitle\">Official Corporate Blame Allocation System</div>
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<div class=\"tagline\">Because someone has to take responsibility for this clusterfuck</div>
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</div>
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<div class=\"stats-grid\">
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<div class=\"stat-card critical\">
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<div class=\"stat-label\">Total Fuckups Blamed on Dustin</div>
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<div class=\"stat-value\" id=\"total-fuckups\">1,247</div>
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<div class=\"rage-meter\">
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<div class=\"rage-fill\" id=\"rage-meter\" style=\"width: 100%\"></div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<div class=\"stat-card\">
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<div class=\"stat-label\">Current Blame Percentage</div>
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<div class=\"stat-value\" id=\"blame-percentage\">100%</div>
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<div class=\"stat-label\">(Yes, even for things that haven't happened yet)</div>
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</div>
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<div class=\"stat-card\">
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<div class=\"stat-label\">Dustin's Apologies Generated</div>
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<div class=\"stat-value green\" id=\"apologies-count\">42</div>
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<div class=\"stat-label\">(All of them bullshit)</div>
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</div>
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<div class=\"stat-card\">
|
|
<div class=\"stat-label\">Hours Wasted Blaming Dustin</div>
|
|
<div class=\"stat-value yellow\" id=\"hours-wasted\">3,728</div>
|
|
<div class=\"stat-label\">(Productivity: -∞)</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<div class=\"main-content\">
|
|
<div class=\"incident-log\">
|
|
<div class=\"log-header\">
|
|
<div class=\"log-title\">LIVE INCIDENT FEED — Everything is Dustin's Fault</div>
|
|
<div class=\"controls\">
|
|
<button class=\"control-btn\" id=\"auto-add\">Auto-Blame Dustin</button>
|
|
<button class=\"control-btn danger\" id=\"clear-log\">Clear Log (Dustin's Idea)</button>
|
|
<span class=\"sound-toggle\" id=\"sound-toggle\">🔊 Sound: ON</span>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<div id=\"log\">
|
|
<!-- Incidents will be added here -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<div class=\"shit-list\">
|
|
<div class=\"shit-list-title\">Dustin's Greatest Hits (Recent Fuckups):</div>
|
|
<div class=\"shit-item\">Spilled coffee on the CEO's laptop during board meeting</div>
|
|
<div class=\"shit-item\">Accidentally deleted the entire customer database (twice)</div>
|
|
<div class=\"shit-item\">Set the office thermostat to \"Sahara Desert\" mode</div>
|
|
<div class=\"shit-item\">Replied-all to company-wide email with \"who gives a shit?\"</div>
|
|
<div class=\"shit-item\">Scheduled server maintenance for Christmas Day</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<div class=\"sidebar\">
|
|
<div class=\"blame-generator\">
|
|
<div class=\"blame-title\">OFFICIAL BLAME SUBMISSION FORM</div>
|
|
<form class=\"blame-form\" id=\"blame-form\">
|
|
<div class=\"form-group\">
|
|
<label for=\"severity\">How Bad Did Dustin Fuck Up?</label>
|
|
<select id=\"severity\" required>
|
|
<option value=\"minor\">Minor Inconvenience (Dustin's specialty)</option>
|
|
<option value=\"warning\">Warning Level (Dustin was involved)</option>
|
|
<option value=\"critical\" selected>Critical Failure (Classic Dustin)</option>
|
|
<option value=\"apocalyptic\">Apocalyptic Disaster (Dustin was in charge)</option>
|
|
</select>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<div class=\"form-group\">
|
|
<label for=\"description\">Describe Dustin's Latest Fuckup:</label>
|
|
<textarea id=\"description\" placeholder=\"Be specific. Use profanity. We won't judge.\" required></textarea>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<div class=\"form-group\">
|
|
<label for=\"cause\">Root Cause (Always Dustin):</label>
|
|
<select id=\"cause\">
|
|
<option>Dustin didn't read the documentation</option>
|
|
<option>Dustin pushed to production on Friday</option>
|
|
<option>Dustin thought \"it would be fine\"</option>
|
|
<option>Dustin was \"just trying to help\"</option>
|
|
<option>Dustin forgot to commit the code</option>
|
|
<option>Dustin spilled something on the server</option>
|
|
<option>Dustin was distracted by shiny objects</option>
|
|
<option>Dustin said \"trust me, I know what I'm doing\"</option>
|
|
</select>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<button type=\"submit\" class=\"submit-btn\">BLAME DUSTIN OFFICIALLY</button>
|
|
</form>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<div class=\"apology-generator\">
|
|
<div class=\"apology-title\">DUSTIN'S APOLOGY GENERATOR™</div>
|
|
<div class=\"apology-display\" id=\"apology-display\">
|
|
Click below to generate a fresh bullshit apology from Dustin...
|
|
</div>
|
|
<button class=\"generate-btn\" id=\"generate-apology\">GENERATE BULLSHIT APOLOGY</button>
|
|
<div style=\"text-align: center; margin-top: 10px; font-size: 0.8em; color: var(--terminal-magenta);\">
|
|
Sincerity Level: <span id=\"sincerity-level\">0%</span>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<button class=\"nuclear-option\" id=\"nuclear-option\">
|
|
🚨 NUCLEAR OPTION: FIRE DUSTIN 🚨
|
|
</button>
|
|
|
|
<div style=\"text-align: center; margin-top: 20px;\">
|
|
<a href=\"/cgi-bin/blame-dustin.cgi\" style=\"color: var(--terminal-cyan); text-decoration: none; border: 1px solid var(--terminal-cyan); padding: 10px; display: block;\">
|
|
🐮 ACCESS THE COWSAY BLAME INTERFACE 🐮
|
|
</a>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<div class=\"footer\">
|
|
<p>© 2026 Corporate Blame Allocation Division — All faults reserved.</p>
|
|
<p>This system is 100% accurate because Dustin is always at fault. Don't @ us.</p>
|
|
<p>Total system uptime: <span id=\"uptime\">99.9%</span> (the 0.1% downtime was Dustin's fault too)</p>
|
|
<p class=\"easter-egg\" id=\"easter-egg\">Click here if you actually like Dustin (you monster)</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
<script>
|
|
// Initialize variables
|
|
let soundEnabled = true;
|
|
let totalFuckups = 1247;
|
|
let apologiesCount = 42;
|
|
let hoursWasted = 3728;
|
|
let incidentId = 1000;
|
|
let autoAddInterval;
|
|
let rageLevel = 100;
|
|
|
|
// DOM elements
|
|
const log = document.getElementById('log');
|
|
const soundToggle = document.getElementById('sound-toggle');
|
|
const autoAddBtn = document.getElementById('auto-add');
|
|
const clearLogBtn = document.getElementById('clear-log');
|
|
const blameForm = document.getElementById('blame-form');
|
|
const generateApologyBtn = document.getElementById('generate-apology');
|
|
const apologyDisplay = document.getElementById('apology-display');
|
|
const sincerityLevel = document.getElementById('sincerity-level');
|
|
const nuclearOption = document.getElementById('nuclear-option');
|
|
const easterEgg = document.getElementById('easter-egg');
|
|
const totalFuckupsEl = document.getElementById('total-fuckups');
|
|
const apologiesCountEl = document.getElementById('apologies-count');
|
|
const hoursWastedEl = document.getElementById('hours-wasted');
|
|
const rageMeter = document.getElementById('rage-meter');
|
|
const uptimeEl = document.getElementById('uptime');
|
|
|
|
// Sound functions
|
|
function playBeep(frequency = 800, duration = 150, type = 'square') {
|
|
if (!soundEnabled) return;
|
|
|
|
try {
|
|
const audioCtx = new (window.AudioContext || window.webkitAudioContext)();
|
|
const oscillator = audioCtx.createOscillator();
|
|
const gainNode = audioCtx.createGain();
|
|
|
|
oscillator.connect(gainNode);
|
|
gainNode.connect(audioCtx.destination);
|
|
|
|
oscillator.frequency.value = frequency;
|
|
oscillator.type = type;
|
|
gainNode.gain.setValueAtTime(0.3, audioCtx.currentTime);
|
|
gainNode.gain.exponentialRampToValueAtTime(0.01, audioCtx.currentTime + duration / 1000);
|
|
|
|
oscillator.start(audioCtx.currentTime);
|
|
oscillator.stop(audioCtx.currentTime + duration / 1000);
|
|
} catch (e) {
|
|
console.log('Audio context not supported or blocked');
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
function playErrorSound() {
|
|
if (!soundEnabled) return;
|
|
playBeep(200, 300, 'sawtooth');
|
|
setTimeout(() => playBeep(150, 400, 'sawtooth'), 150);
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
function playSuccessSound() {
|
|
if (!soundEnabled) return;
|
|
playBeep(1000, 100, 'sine');
|
|
setTimeout(() => playBeep(1200, 100, 'sine'), 100);
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Incident data
|
|
const incidents = [
|
|
{ desc: \"Production database went down during peak hours\", severity: \"critical\", cause: \"Dustin was 'optimizing' queries without testing\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"Company-wide email sent with embarrassing typo\", severity: \"warning\", cause: \"Dustin didn't use spell check (obviously)\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"Server room flooded from coffee spill\", severity: \"critical\", cause: \"Dustin brought an open cup near the racks (again)\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"Customer data leaked to public GitHub repo\", severity: \"critical\", cause: \"Dustin thought '.gitignore' was optional\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"Annual budget report contains meme references\", severity: \"warning\", cause: \"Dustin 'wanted to make it more engaging'\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"Firewall configured to block all internal traffic\", severity: \"critical\", cause: \"Dustin misread 'allow' as 'deny'\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"Backup system hasn't worked in 6 months\", severity: \"critical\", cause: \"Dustin disabled alerts because they were 'annoying'\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"Passwords set to 'password123' for 'security'\", severity: \"warning\", cause: \"Dustin's brilliant security strategy\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"CEO's presentation corrupted right before board meeting\", severity: \"critical\", cause: \"Dustin 'updated' PowerPoint without saving\" },
|
|
{ desc: \"Entire office network down for 8 hours\", severity: \"critical\", cause: \"Dustin was 'cleaning up cables' with scissors\" }
|
|
];
|
|
|
|
const causes = [
|
|
\"Dustin didn't read the fucking manual\",
|
|
\"Dustin thought he knew better than everyone else\",
|
|
\"Dustin was distracted by cat videos\",
|
|
\"Dustin said 'how hard could it be?'\",
|
|
\"Dustin was hungover from last night's 'team building'\",
|
|
\"Dustin forgot to commit the goddamn code\",
|
|
\"Dustin pushed straight to production (like a moron)\",
|
|
\"Dustin was trying to impress someone (and failed)\",
|
|
\"Dustin didn't test anything (classic Dustin)\",
|
|
\"Dustin was 'just experimenting' (with our production data)\"
|
|
];
|
|
|
|
const apologies = [
|
|
\"My bad, I thought it would work.\",
|
|
\"Sorry not sorry, it seemed like a good idea at the time.\",
|
|
\"I apologize for the inconvenience (but really it's your fault for trusting me).\",
|
|
\"Oopsie daisy! My finger slipped.\",
|
|
\"I'm sorry you feel that way about my brilliant solution.\",
|
|
\"My cat walked on the keyboard, what can I say?\",
|
|
\"It worked on my machine, so technically it's your fault.\",
|
|
\"I was following a tutorial I found on Reddit.\",
|
|
\"The voices in my head told me to do it.\",
|
|
\"I was trying to save us time (by skipping all the important steps).\",
|
|
\"It's not a bug, it's a feature you don't understand yet.\",
|
|
\"I blame the full moon/mercury retrograde/my horoscope.\",
|
|
\"I was optimizing for 'developer happiness' (mine, not yours).\",
|
|
\"The documentation was unclear (because I didn't read it).\",
|
|
\"I thought we were still in the testing phase (we're not).\"
|
|
];
|
|
|
|
// Initialize with some incidents
|
|
function initIncidents() {
|
|
for (let i = 0; i < 3; i++) {
|
|
const incident = incidents[Math.floor(Math.random() * incidents.length)];
|
|
addIncident(incident.desc, incident.severity, incident.cause);
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Add incident function
|
|
function addIncident(desc, severity, cause, isUserReport = false) {
|
|
incidentId++;
|
|
totalFuckups++;
|
|
hoursWasted += Math.floor(Math.random() * 10) + 1;
|
|
rageLevel = Math.min(100, rageLevel + 5);
|
|
|
|
// Update stats
|
|
updateStats();
|
|
|
|
// Play sound
|
|
if (severity === 'critical') {
|
|
playErrorSound();
|
|
document.body.classList.add('glitch');
|
|
setTimeout(() => document.body.classList.remove('glitch'), 200);
|
|
} else {
|
|
playBeep(severity === 'warning' ? 600 : 800);
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Create incident element
|
|
const incident = document.createElement('div');
|
|
incident.className = `incident ${severity}`;
|
|
|
|
const time = new Date().toLocaleTimeString([], { hour: '2-digit', minute: '2-digit' });
|
|
const date = new Date().toLocaleDateString();
|
|
|
|
incident.innerHTML = `
|
|
<div class=\"incident-header\">
|
|
<span class=\"incident-id\">#${incidentId}</span>
|
|
<span class=\"incident-time\">${date} ${time}</span>
|
|
<span class=\"incident-severity ${severity}\">[${severity.toUpperCase()}]</span>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class=\"incident-desc\">${desc}</div>
|
|
<div class=\"incident-root-cause\">⚠ ROOT CAUSE: ${cause}</div>
|
|
${isUserReport ? '<div style=\"color: var(--terminal-cyan); font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 5px;\">📝 User-Submitted Blame</div>' : ''}
|
|
`;
|
|
|
|
// Add to log
|
|
log.insertBefore(incident, log.firstChild);
|
|
|
|
// Limit log size
|
|
if (log.children.length > 20) {
|
|
log.removeChild(log.lastChild);
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
return incident;
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Auto-add incident
|
|
function autoAddIncident() {
|
|
const incident = incidents[Math.floor(Math.random() * incidents.length)];
|
|
const cause = causes[Math.floor(Math.random() * causes.length)];
|
|
addIncident(incident.desc, incident.severity, cause);
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Update stats
|
|
function updateStats() {
|
|
totalFuckupsEl.textContent = totalFuckups.toLocaleString();
|
|
apologiesCountEl.textContent = apologiesCount;
|
|
hoursWastedEl.textContent = hoursWasted.toLocaleString();
|
|
rageMeter.style.width = `${rageLevel}%`;
|
|
|
|
// Update blame percentage (always 100%, but let's pretend it fluctuates)
|
|
const blamePercentage = document.getElementById('blame-percentage');
|
|
blamePercentage.textContent = '100%';
|
|
|
|
// Update uptime with random slight variations
|
|
const uptime = 99.9 - (Math.random() * 0.1);
|
|
uptimeEl.textContent = `${uptime.toFixed(1)}%`;
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Generate apology
|
|
function generateApology() {
|
|
const apology = apologies[Math.floor(Math.random() * apologies.length)];
|
|
const sincerity = Math.floor(Math.random() * 21); // 0-20%
|
|
|
|
apologyDisplay.textContent = `\"${apology}\"`;
|
|
sincerityLevel.textContent = `${sincerity}%`;
|
|
apologiesCount++;
|
|
|
|
updateStats();
|
|
playSuccessSound();
|
|
|
|
// Add apology to incident log
|
|
addIncident(
|
|
`Dustin issued another bullshit apology`,
|
|
'warning',
|
|
`Dustin's sincerity level: ${sincerity}% (pathetic)`
|
|
);
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Nuclear option
|
|
function fireDustin() {
|
|
playErrorSound();
|
|
document.body.classList.add('glitch');
|
|
|
|
// Add critical incident
|
|
addIncident(
|
|
'🚨 NUCLEAR OPTION ACTIVATED: ATTEMPTING TO FIRE DUSTIN 🚨',
|
|
'critical',
|
|
'System override failed: Dustin has tenure (somehow)'
|
|
);
|
|
|
|
// Show alert
|
|
setTimeout(() => {
|
|
alert('SYSTEM OVERRIDE FAILED\\n\\nDustin cannot be fired because:\\n1. He knows where the bodies are buried\\n2. He has blackmail material on the CEO\\n3. The HR system is also his fault and broken\\n\\nTry blaming him harder instead.');
|
|
document.body.classList.remove('glitch');
|
|
}, 500);
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Easter egg
|
|
function triggerEasterEgg() {
|
|
playBeep(300, 500);
|
|
playBeep(400, 500);
|
|
playBeep(500, 500);
|
|
|
|
// Add hilarious incident
|
|
addIncident(
|
|
'SOME MONSTER ACTUALLY LIKES DUSTIN',
|
|
'critical',
|
|
'This person needs psychological evaluation immediately'
|
|
);
|
|
|
|
// Change title temporarily
|
|
const title = document.querySelector('.title');
|
|
const originalTitle = title.textContent;
|
|
title.textContent = 'SOMEONE ACTUALLY LIKES DUSTIN?!';
|
|
title.style.color = 'var(--terminal-magenta)';
|
|
|
|
setTimeout(() => {
|
|
title.textContent = originalTitle;
|
|
title.style.color = 'var(--terminal-red)';
|
|
}, 3000);
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
// Event listeners
|
|
soundToggle.addEventListener('click', () => {
|
|
soundEnabled = !soundEnabled;
|
|
soundToggle.textContent = soundEnabled ? '🔊 Sound: ON' : '🔇 Sound: OFF';
|
|
playBeep();
|
|
});
|
|
|
|
autoAddBtn.addEventListener('click', () => {
|
|
if (autoAddInterval) {
|
|
clearInterval(autoAddInterval);
|
|
autoAddInterval = null;
|
|
autoAddBtn.textContent = 'Auto-Blame Dustin';
|
|
playSuccessSound();
|
|
} else {
|
|
autoAddInterval = setInterval(autoAddIncident, 5000);
|
|
autoAddBtn.textContent = 'Stop Auto-Blame';
|
|
playSuccessSound();
|
|
autoAddIncident(); // Add one immediately
|
|
}
|
|
});
|
|
|
|
clearLogBtn.addEventListener('click', () => {
|
|
if (confirm('Clear the incident log? (This was probably Dustin\\'s idea)')) {
|
|
log.innerHTML = '';
|
|
playErrorSound();
|
|
addIncident(
|
|
'Incident log cleared (Dustin\\'s brilliant idea)',
|
|
'warning',
|
|
'Dustin thought \"out of sight, out of mind\" applies to fuckups'
|
|
);
|
|
}
|
|
});
|
|
|
|
blameForm.addEventListener('submit', (e) => {
|
|
e.preventDefault();
|
|
|
|
const severity = document.getElementById('severity').value;
|
|
const description = document.getElementById('description').value;
|
|
const cause = document.getElementById('cause').value;
|
|
|
|
if (description.trim()) {
|
|
addIncident(description, severity, cause, true);
|
|
document.getElementById('description').value = '';
|
|
playSuccessSound();
|
|
}
|
|
});
|
|
|
|
generateApologyBtn.addEventListener('click', generateApology);
|
|
nuclearOption.addEventListener('click', fireDustin);
|
|
easterEgg.addEventListener('click', triggerEasterEgg);
|
|
|
|
// Initialize the page
|
|
initIncidents();
|
|
</script>
|
|
</body>
|
|
</html> |